Dear National Defence

As passed along via email.  How genuine I do not know, but it gets the point across.

A lady libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the government, complaining
about the treatment of a captive insurgents (terrorists) being held in
Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. She received back
the following reply:

National Defence Headquarters
MGen George R. Pearkes Bldg, 15 NT
101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa, ON K1A 0K2 Canada

Dear Concerned Citizen,

Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of
treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian
Forces who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government
and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan
National Correctional System facilities.

Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were
heard loud and clear here in Ottawa. You will be pleased to learn,
thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself; we are creating a new
department here at the Department of National Defense, to be called
“Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers” program, or L.A.R.K. for

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided
to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care. Your
personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation
under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday. Ali
Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared
for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint.
It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We
will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for
Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommend in your

Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your
sensitivity to what you described as his “attitudinal problem” will
help him overcome these character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in
describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand
that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.

Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat
and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail
clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills
at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of
explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to
keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except
sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This
is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to
show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress
code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire. I’m sure you
will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time. Just remember that
it is all part of “respecting his culture and religious beliefs” as
described in your letter.

Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like
you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our
fellow man. You take good care of Ahmed and remember, we’ll be

Good luck and God bless you.

Gordon O’Connor
Minister of National Defense

Another entry to our list of rights

Cherniak does gay pride:

Unfortunately, I also watched a large group of mostly old, naked men walk by. Even I have my limits and, frankly, I don’t think many people at the parade felt much differently. The amazing thing is that even though most of us tried to avert our eyes, nobody questioned the right of these men to spend their afternoon displaying their bad taste and painful piercings in public. As much as I don’t get it, there is something very positive about everybody just letting others be.

Public nudity in gay pride parades is now a right. The process has been initiated: Soon it will be a “fundamental human right.” And then the Supreme Court will affirm it in light of how old publicly-naked men are a traditionally-disadvantaged group. A UN committee will issue a report on Canada’s lack of commitment to protecting the rights of naked gay men. The Liberal Party will darkly warn that Stephen Harper has a secret agenda to curtail the flashing rights of old gay men. Mike Duffy will broadcast in the buff in solidarity with the oppressed members of our society.

And the circle will be complete. We’re lucky to live in the most tolerant country in the world.

Who knew? Speeding Infers Compensating for Small Penis Size …

… But who’s to say it doesn’t actually infer a braggart with a per square inch generous endowment? Seems like a perfectly sensible question.

It’s pretty sad when the only way left to morally shame men into not speeding is to tell them it means they are lacking in the manhood department.  And not manly virtue or anything likely to elevate human dignity, just penis size.

Does anyone actually think such an ad will work? The marketing behind this must figure Australian men will be convicted to feel utter shame everytime their foot gets too heavy because some stupid ad says, “Oh, now you’re just compensating for your small penis.”

And what about the speeding ladies? why only male drivers? Surely the ladies speed too! Maybe their ad will infer that girls who speed are only nerdy fat chicks compensating for too much junk in the trunk.

Politics of Hockey

Heh.  This is a bit of a stretch.

But hey – I am sure some people who come here have an interest in Hockey.

So, this whole Balsillie thing – with the co-CEO of Research in Motion (the producers of the Blackberry) are trying to buy the Nashville Predators and move them to Hamilton.

Now, granted, Copps Coliseum is old.  It needs at the least, refurbishment, at the most, to be replaced.  Balsillie could always make that problem go away by throwing money at it.

The real objection is, and has always been, the Toronto Maple Leafs (though to be fair, Buffalo is almost equidistant).  They don’t want another team horning in on “their” market.

But I don’t get that, at all.  I mean, the Golden Horseshoe (including Buffalo) is home to 7 million people.  7 Million people!  6.7 million of them are Canadian, which means at least half rabid hockey fans.   By comparison, there are 3 teams in the New York-New Jersey triangle, home to a population of 18 million.  2.5 times larger, yes.  But what percentage hockey fans, as compared to the golden horseshoe?

The thing that Bettman and company need to be asking themselves is, “where are our fans?”  They need to put teams where their fans are – places like Hamilton or Winnipeg, or yes, even Quebec City again.  In Canada, people get HNIC even if they don’t have cable (and who really doesn’t have cable anymore?).  They get tons of hockey exposure, top of the sports news in every paper, every radio station, every TV news broadcast.  They DON’T get that ANYWHERE in the USA.  They can build popularity in Canada – right now, they can’t in the USA.

At the height of popularity of hockey in the USA, (probably coinciding with the Rangers winning the Cup in ’94), there was momentum.  There was the jealousy factor – there were good clubs in major northern USA cities – New York, New Jersey, Chicago, Detroit, Boston.  Other cities in the USA wanted into that club, because it was fun.  Now, it ain’t fun.  The big cities’s teams all suck (with the possible exceptions of NY/NJ where one team has sucked for years until this year and the other has played the most boring style of hockey humanly possible for 10 years or more) .  Those markets need re-strengthening, and people in the USA need to see people LOVING hockey before that jealousy will return.  They won’t see it when the odd game that makes it to television features a 3/4 empty coliseum in Tampa or Nashville or Atlanta. They will see it when they see a Canadian dome, packed to the rafters every night, screaming their fool heads off.

But back to Toronto.  Does Maple Leaf Sports And Entertainment not see that competition incites rivalry, excitement, and drives ticket sales?  If they are the only game in town, who cares… but if there is a team down the road that are “evil” – that are the hated “other”… how much more money would you make?  How popular would Edmonton or Calgary be in Alberta if they weren’t BOTH there to fight with?

Just my thoughts.

Does my but look big?

Do you believe in moral absolutes? Are you a fan of the categorical imperative? Ya know:


I realize that our commenters seem to have different moral absolutes from our posters, so I’m not asking you to support traditional marriage, capital punishment, the Dewey Decimal System, or driver’s side airbags. I’m simply asking if you are a complete moral relativist in all aspects of your personal, social and civic life and, if so, whether you think this is odd. So, to give an example:

Suppose you believe in gay marriage, Kyoto, the Green Party and Fair Trade coffee from Starbucks. I assume that although you get a mite twitchy at the Ten Commandments you would draw the line at people who discriminate against others based upon race, creed or color:

Thou shalt not discriminate against people because of….

Feel free to load up the comments and view it as a bit of a straw poll. The question is:

“Do you believe in the existence of moral absolutes? Moral absolutes that are always everywhere true without exception, no ifs, ands, or buts.”

Have fun.


M. Facino

(rhymes with Cappucino)